tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central May 26, 2011 1:00pm-1:30pm PDT
-- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com >> may 10, 2011. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ( captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to "the daily show," my name is jon stewart. we've got a nice show for you tonight. thanks for joining us. tonight on the program we have a young comedic actor, willis ferrell. (laughter) young gentleman's going to be joining us, i hear great things. really excited to meet him. let's begin tonight in the south. our hearts go out to those along the mississippi who are suffering not just from a catastrophic flood of water but also from a monsoon of media one
upmanship. (laughter) the debilitating coverage began as the waters rose up to swallow one reporter's feet, creeping up to the knee, moving slowly up to the thigh, consuming the hips and finally, thank god, cresting at the nipple! (laughter and applause) the water crested at the nipple. (laughter) all these reporters bravely waded into the surging mississippi to give us absolutely no idea how high the floodwaters were or the extent of damage. you know, guys, i'm glad you're down thing there bringing attention to the story but you could have done the exact same stories on dry land without ever going in... (laughter). wait a minute. i know what you're up to. you're trying to establish a new measure of flood height measurements. (laughter) a weatherman-based system. >> to give you a sense, we here
in the mississippi. this is a playground. >> jon: (as old man) i remember the flood of aught 11 like it was yesterday. that water was four roker bellies high. (laughter) >> jon: get a towel. (laughter) meanwhile, the battle to capture and kill bin laden has ended but the generational war to claim credit rages on. president obama fired the first shot by sending the navy seals into pakistan to fire the... first actual shot. (laughter) giving the president somewhat of a leg up credit wise. but it was obama's post-operation ground zero 9/11 families navy seals meet and greets that escalated the hostility. >> former bush chief of staff andy card said "i think obama's pounded his chest a little too much. he can take pride in it, but he
does not need to show it so much." >> jon: and you can bet your sweet-- bippy-- (laughter) that the guy who was president bush's chief of staff during his top gun inspired crotch-enhanced aircraft carrier landing that took credit for ending a war we're still fighting eight (bleep)ing years later... (cheers and applause) is going to let barack obama get away with it. by the way, the only reason bush didn't literally pound his chest on the aircraft carrier was that that would have released an emergency parachute and swept him out to sea. (laughter) so this past week when, by all rights, obama and his team could have strutted their stuff all over the news shows on the weekend, andy card and company went into action of course, to feel this much glory they'd have to reassemble the whole team-- the best of the best. (laughter) the architect!
oh, yeah! the possum! (laughter) dr. henney penny. (laughter) the... don cheadle character lady. (laughter) and then, i guess, there's probably, like, seven others that we didn't have time to make up nicknames for. but move out, everyone, shock and awe time! >> there were seven important policy decisions made under bush that made sunday night possible. >> the policies on interrogation and wiretapping. >> what we called enhanced interrogation. >> we increased the numbers in the special operations. >> the policy of rendition. the. >> concept that the terrorism problem has to be dealt with as a war. >> treating these people as enemy combatants not as criminals. >> the capacity of our military and our intelligence agencies to fight in this integrated fashion. >> military tribunals, having military tribunals in place. >> unfailing, constant vigilance
about protecting america. >> president bush had to make some very, very hard calls that, frankly, helped to set this up. >> jon: he invented bullets. (laughter) the obama administration wanted to trick bin laden with a fake sweepstakes give away to lure him out of hiding. when the bush administration said "why don't you shoot him here?" (laughter) eleven bush administration officials fought to be in their last throes came out of their hidy holes and shook back with overwhelming force. but the obama administration was ready firing back with national security advisor tom donilon on "meet the press" and national security advisor tom donilon on cnn. and he was on fox news sunday and the same guy on "this week" request w christiane amanpour. one guy.
(laughter) bush administration hits them with shock and awe and you've got one guy-- no one's ever heard of. this guy better be rambo. >> it's a very important point for your viewers and americans generally to understand. this was an effort across two administrations. indeed, many of the same professionals who worked for president bush on this project work with us today. so it is not a matter of partisanship. >> jon: (whispering) what are you doing? (laughter) whatever happened to those guy's sucked in? this shows we can accomplish our goals without waging regime change war on other countries. it shows the bush administration monday morning waterboarders that intelligence can be developed through more traditional less soul corroding means. jesus, democrats! you can't engage the republicans on their terms-- the blame game-- ends up with obama and the credit game, well, (bleep), we all know where that's going. >> i think credit goes over three generations... three presidencies. >> president clinton even before
9/11 made osama bin laden public enemy number one. >> president obama seems to do well when he does what your father did. >> you're absolutely right. when my father went into grenada he didn't tell the world he was going into grenada, he did it. >> jon: they took it back to reagan! (laughter) the guy responsible for funding the taliban in the first place! how do you take this... (cheers and applause) i guess... (cheers and applause) the whole thing's mind-boggling. why are we listening to the bush administration people anyway? they didn't get bin laden. they're like the winklevoss twins of getting bin laden. (cheers and applause) if you were the guys who were going to kill bin laden, you would have killed bin laden. and the worst part about hearing once again from all the old administration hands? >> i have a personal relationship with a lot of the seals and seal team six (audience reacts) >> jon: it made mer that first uncool thing i've ever heard
(cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back. so way back in 2003 on this program we introduced a segment devouted to rounding up various news items about the homosexual agenda which we called "gay watch." (cheers and applause). >> jon: the title... (laughter) forgot i started this show 43 years ago. (laughter) anyway, the title, of course, a play on "by a watch" and the title worked on a lot of levels but that show's been off the air for like 20 years now so we need a more contemporary cultural reference for the segment so... no. no. i think... actually, that's been off the air for five years. maybe something a bit more hip. (laughter) meh. i need something newsy that ca can... hmm. okay. (laughter) okay. closer. no. no. i don't even know what that is.
(laughter) that's... (laughter) (cheers and applause) all right. let's just go with the one we agreed on earlier. thank you. (laughter) that's in the sweet spot. in any case, our title isn't the only thing that's changed since 2003. the rights of gay people have progressed significantly. they've made gains in obtaining access to marriage, military service and (bleep)ing between angst melodramas. everything seems to be moving in the direction of more equality for gay people but some people are trying to hold back the flood, stem the tide, to put a finger in... (laughter). um... to stem the tide. (laughter) case in point: last year california's prop 8 banning same-sex marriage was ruled unconstitutional by federal judge vaughn walker. some opponents of gay marriage think they've found a loophole to undo that. >> people always sort of
speculated about his sexuality and in april he came out and he said "yes, i am gay and i have had this long term same-sex relationship." now supporters of proposition 8 are trying to overturn his decision. >> jon: he can't be gay and impartial. (whispering) you know how dramatic those people are. (laughter) walker ruling on prop 8 would be like thurgood marshall ruling a case about race or sandra day o'connor ruling a case involving reproductive rights or judge judy trying to be impartial in a case involving sass and moxie. (laughter) or a dog judge ruling on a case concerning public ball-licking. (laughter) idea for a show. (laughter) dog judge. we'll call it "justice of the paw." (laughter) i'll work on the title. meanwhile air, cross the country
in tennessee, gay rights opponents are taking a different tact. >> now to tennessee where a proposed bill would prevent elementary and middle school teachers from talking about homosexuality to kids in the classroom. no public elementary or middle school shall provide any instruction or material that discusses sexual orientation other than heterosexuality. >> jon: you know, keeping people from saying the word "gay" is not really going to keep people from being gay, you know. (laughter) being gay isn't like beetlejuice. if you say it outloud so many times, you're gay. (laughter) the bill was introduced by state senator stacey campfield who maintains his "don't say gay bill" isn't antigay at all. >> is there any damage done in terms of hearing the word "homosexuality" to children in a controlled setting like a classroom? >> well actually, my bill is neutral. it doesn't say anybody can speak for it or against it. >> jon: here's a fun fact: at the same time this guy's bill is making its way through tennessee senate, a bill is also making
its way through the tennessee statehouse that mandates science teachers have the freedom to teach alternative theories to evolution. so in tennessee the definition of neutrality is gay people are not allowed to be brought up but whether adam and eve had pet dinosaurs when the earth was created 6,000 years ago we should really teach that controversy. (laughter) now, while some people are trying to hold gay people back, they do have some defenders. fortunately, one of them is attorney gloria allred who sued atlanta braves pitching coach roger mcdowel for making homophobic comments traumatize ago fan tbhofs the stands with his two young daughters. >> mr. quinn heard coach mcdowel say to these men "are you guys a homo couple or a threesome?" then the coach allegedly grabbed a baseball bat and started shoving the small end through a circle formed by his finger and thumb simulating sex. the coach then allegedly said "are you three giving it to each
other up the..." and used the word for... crude word for rear end. (laughter) >> jon: the kids are still in the room! (laughter) they're sitting in the pink sweaters. (laughter) yes, i can't believe there was children that had to hear that vulgar language at the ballpark. (laughter) clearly it's suitable talk only for law office. at least the kid don't have to watch those obscene gestures again because... really? (laughter) (audience reacts) (laughter) girls, you you getting this? are you seeing this? because i, gloria allred, want t
to make sure that the younger girls brought here today want to see me (bleep)ing daddy's hand with a baseball bat. if there were any tennessee sex ed teachers that want to get around the whole "don't say gay" thing. you can get around it nicely by saying "sometimes when two men love each other very much 3msmç%iezq
(cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back with my guest tonight, very funny guy, we found him on the internet and he just seems terrific. he's got a new movie out called "everything must go." >> hay, bro, i'll give you ten bucks for that right there. >> aren't you young to be drinking beers. >> aren't you a little old to be dripping that slippery there,
>> i played a lot of ball in my time. (laughter) >> jon: you know what this reminds me of? this story may be apocryphal. >> right. >> jon: but they say that babe ruth once... >> right. >> jon: called a shot. >> never heard of him. (laughter). >> jon: he took the bat and he said "i'm going to (bleep) that guy." >> that's right. (laughter) and he did that and pointed to the stands. >> to that thick child. (laughter) in that hospital room. (laughter) in chicago or wherever you are. >> jon: (laughs). >> i'm going to (bleep) that guy. (laughter) yes. >> jon: today... today... today. >> ...today... today. >> jon: >> i'm the luckiest man. >> jon: luckiest man. i'm going to (bleep) that guy... guy... guy... >> i do not bet on baseball. >> jon: no.
>> but... (laughter). >> jon: this is true. will did not know we were doing that bit tonight and just happened to bring the bat. >> just happened to bring the bat. (laughter). >> jon: because you never know when you're walking through the streets of new york city. where did you get that? how did you go... n a three-minute span? >> i asked your outstanding staff god it would be great if i could just walk out with a bat. boom! (laughter) where's the bat? where's the bat? well you have,... >> jon: you have sufficiently ruined that for our intramural softball game. (laughter). >> anyone going up to the plate has to go through that motion now. that would be the only way. >> jon: wouldn't that make games so much more interesting. >> and that will drive the other team crazy! either sexually or it will just mess them up in such a way that... >> jon: just in between pitches to just step out and stare at the pitcher and just go
"oh, yeah." (laughter) >> not gun that happen today, guys. can you think of anything more intimidating? >> jon: probably. but... the only thing i can think of that's more intimidating is if you step out of the batter's box. >> right. >> take the bat, put in the your hands and do that the whole time two creepy little girls just staring right there (laughter and applause) you know? like the kids in "the shining." >> jon: they don't look forward. they just look at you. (laughter) >> jon: chuck, i don't know if you have this lined up. the best part about that whole thing... >> they don't blink. >> jon: they've clearly been coached but the little girl just to the... she's on the left of the screen. when gloria allred does her, you know, "took the bat and put it
in his... words for man's bottom. " look at this. but the little girl giggles. the little girl when they do it earlier on, the little girl couldn't help as she's looking at it when gloria allred says "in the butt" did one of these. (laughter) like, i know i'm supposed to be here to be cool but that's hilarious. (laughter) >> i didn't know she was gonna say that. yeah, yeah. >> jon: in what world... >> i don't know. >> jon: and if she's your lawyer, it was like something out of a "simpsons." like lionel hut. >> that's a fantastic piece of footage. >> jon: isn't it nice? >> but she's the best, allred. >> jon: we need to put that to some base music. like some (humming porn music) (laughter) so you're in a new movie about a baseball player who who gets... (laughter).
who... goes off on some fans? >> on some fans. >> jon: we don't have much time, "pirates of the caribbean three..." >> meets thor in a back alley and things get hard. (laughter) they get it on! it goes off! >> jon: it goes off. "everything must go" is what it's called. >> it's a real movie, by the way. >> jon: i apologize. it is a real movie and he's great in it and it's really clever and smart and great and the whole bat (bleep) thing doesn't do it justice. (laughter) you're a good man. will ferrell, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) can't wait to kick off your summer? come in to
sears, the #1 appliance retailer, for our memorial day appliance savings event! hurry in and get 30% off all kenmore... 25% off all samsung... and 15% off all other appliances! but hurry, it all ends soon! sears. (cheers and applause). >> jon: that's our show! join us tomorrow night at 11:00, the great albert brooks will be joining us. (cheers and applause) here it, is your moment of zen. >> thrusting his hips forward and backward in a sexual manner. coach mcdowel then put up three fingers, pointing at the men and in response some individuals in the bleachers shouted "oh, my go captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org